My Formative Year as a Military Spouse

Every career has its training requirements, job description, and performance expectations.  During that first assignment, I would be "schooled" on what was expected of me, how I was to conduct myself, and who I was supposed to be friends with.  I had been raised to be gracious and considerate of others.  I was a bit taken aback to learn that some did not feel that was enough to "help my husband progress in his career."  Uh....what???  Excuse me...I don't think I heard that right.  "Help my husband progress in his career???"

Now, 10 years later, I smile, nod, and contemplate what I will have for breakfast in the morning when I hear this come out of a spouse's mouth.  But in the beginning, I was more than a little confused.  While I completely understood the need to be diplomatic and respectable, not once did it cross my mind that my husband might NEED help from me in the workplace.  Everyone with a brain between their ears knows that it isn't a good thing to get on the boss's bad side, but honestly.  What self-respecting human being would demand someone HELP him progress in his career?  

The first time I heard this idea was from a Captain's wife.  She "informed" me (even though she, herself, was 3 years younger than me) that it was my job to make sure my engineer looked good at all times.  This young woman went on to explain that his superior officers would make decisions concerning his career in light of how "involved" I was in the base community.  I remember looking at her and wondering if I had teleported back to the 1960s.  My internal response to her was to then avoid her like the plague at every function I went to.  It was obvious to me that she evidently thought that her airman was an idiot and needed her magical touch to make it in life.  The idea of spending time around so much perfection was just more than I could stomach.

Now, I will say that there is a delicate line that spouses have to walk.  While a spouse did not enlist, the active duty member did.  What that means is that spouse must respect the stomach turning divide that does exist in the ranks.  However, spouses who learn to live with that have NO BOUNDARIES when it comes to friendships.  This was explained to me by my engineer's very first commander.  He saw that I, a new spouse, wasn't too sure as to where I fell in the big picture.  It was to him that I went when I started getting schooled by other spouses (all of whom had about 4 years under their belts and were connected to career fields other than my engineer's).  I remember just asking him about who I could and could not associate with.  The reason why I went to him was simple.  Over the first 6 months at that assignment, I saw that ALL the active duty members held him in high esteem and genuinely liked him.  Upon seeing that all ranks respected him, I felt that he was the person that I should approach about my growing dilemma.  After speaking to him, I went forth with my head held high, knowing that my mother, did indeed, raise me correctly.  

It was a very good thing that he was our first commander.  Fore next came the commander that still makes my blood boil at the mention of his name.  I will never forget my engineer's face when he returned from work on the day when he had his first "face to face" greeting with that next commander.  My engineer was HOT!  I had never seen him so angry.  "I met my new commander today," I remember him saying.  Really, how did it go? "Not so good."  Uh oh...  "He told me two things:  Don't sleep with the enlisted."  After a moment of silence he added, "and he doesn't think you should be spending so much time with the enlisted spouses."  At this point, I blew my top.  First off, my engineer is M-A-R-R-I-E-D!!!  Secondly, other than the commander's wife, I was the ONLY officer spouse!!!  Was he expecting me to only associate with her?  What about all the women connected to our squadron that I had grown to love and respected???  To be honest, at this point was when I decided the war was on.

Not a week later, I was hosting the "Welcome back from summer" gathering at our home.  The reason why I was doing this was because another spouse had held the last gathering at her house and it was my turn.  Everyone was bringing their all time favorite dessert and we were going to talk about everyone's summers and dive into fall and winter plans.  Then it happened.  What was supposed to be a relaxed, enjoyable evening turned into "Meet the commander's spouse" night, complete with her informing me of how she wanted it to go.  I decided at this point that going with the flow with a smile was best.  At first, all of our spouses were having a wonderful time.  Then she walked in 20 minutes late.  I will never forget the emotional shift that took place in my little home.  Women who normally filled a place with laughter went silent.  They became serious and buttoned down.  My heart ached for it to go back to what it was.  Then the great reveal happened...

Now, the commander had explicitly told my engineer to not sleep with the enlisted.  You can imagine my shock when his spouse disclosed that they had met when she was enlisted and they married shortly after she separated from the military.  And folks, I wasn't the only one who sat there, shocked, in that little room.  Their service members hadn't been told not to sleep with anyone (and I had kept that conversation close to my chest), otherwise they would have been at the point that I was.  I learned, at that moment, that they were a "Do what I say, not what I do" kind of couple.  The rest of that evening, I worked really hard to cover the anger that I felt.  However, the next day, that anger would surface with a vengeance.

I was in the middle of making dinner when the phone rang.  Always friendly on the phone, I answered, being quite happy to talk and work at the same time.  I was surprised to hear the commander's wife on the phone.  After making pleasantries, she got to the heart of her mission.  She told me that she was concerned that I spent so much time with enlisted spouses and that I really needed to spend time with the officer spouses in the squadron (there was only one other at this point...her).  After quietly hearing her out.  I explained to her that I disagreed with her.  I told her that I agreed with our first commander's guidance and explained exactly what I had been told.  I also went on to say that there was no way I was going to turn my back on the women that I had had the great privilege of both getting to know and learn from.  I informed her that I respected the rank boundaries that existed among the active duty, and that I knew how to live within it.  Finishing off my explanation, I told her that I was willing to be her friend, but not at the expense of the women who were dear to me. To say that conversation did not go well is putting it lightly.  While I had stayed neutral, she did not.  Gently excusing myself, I hung up and got back to making dinner.

At this point, 18 months into the assignment, I had developed friendships across the board:  Active duty, Officer Spouse, Enlisted Spouse, Civilian.  I had followed our first commander and his wife's lead in pursuing friendships, yet always respecting the boundaries.  I was growing as a young military spouse, forever learning about the culture that makes the military so unique.  I would meet countless officer spouses over the years who just couldn't bridge the gap.  However, I would meet others who danced with the grace of a true military spouse.  They would embrace their military sisters, regardless of "rank divide," respecting the cultural differences, and seeing the beauty in unity.  

I have seen a direct correlation between those who segregate the spouses and those who believe that their active duty members need "help" succeeding.  While at one time in our military history men were evaluated on their spouses' involvement in the "appropriate" activities, that is no longer the case.  As long as spouses do not become a liability or tear apart the stability of military society, they are free to live their lives. Several of my closest friends live this to the fullest, and their husbands have had no problem making rank, both officer and enlisted.  So, seeing these women, who have seen much and lived so fully, I pray that I, too, can follow in their footsteps and continue to grow as not just an "officer spouse," but a Military Spouse.