Funk-tions

I find people terribly fascinating. One of my favorite things to do is to get a cup of coffee, sit on a bench, and people watch.  Of course, it is awesome to have a fellow people watcher with me so that we can talk about the various specimens that walk past, but I can happily fly solo in this endeavor.  I enjoy watching people walk by and creating the stories of their lives in my head.  People are just highly entertaining.  No two specimens are ever alike...no matter how hard they might try.  That being said, I am also a pretty private person who doesn't enjoy the chaos of huge crowds.  I am more of an intimate gathering kind of lady.  However, for those of you who live in the Blue, you know that the military LOVES its crowded events full of people pretending to have a good time.

My introduction to military funk-tions came our first summer in the Great White North.  All of a sudden, our free time was taken up with "required fun" activities that I really did not want to go to.  BBQs...dinners...gatherings...you name it.  Our calendar was filled.  At first, being new to the area, I was excited about going.  The desperate need to meet people had kicked in full swing by the time summer finally arrived after the long, cold winter.  Sadly, while I enjoyed a few of the people at these events, I quickly learned who I really did not want to be around.  That was when I learned the "Smile & Nod."

"Smile & Nod" is the simple act of pretending to be engaged when you aren't.  Honestly, it is my survival mechanism.  Doing this keeps me from informing people that they are complete morons who really needed to grow up a bit or work on their social skills.  This tool also helps me survive painfully dull evenings.  Of course, there are times when it doesn't work so well.  But hey, I try!  

Those early funk-tions were painful for me.  I wasn't very good at holding my tongue or masking my desire to flee.  Since I didn't know very many people, I hadn't built friendships yet that would allow me to at least have someone to team up with to face them together.  Throw  drunken, irresponsible CGOs into the mix, and I was in my own personal living hell.  While I have no issue with responsible consumption, those numerous nights out felt like college frat parties.  Supposedly these people had graduated from college...but they acted like freshmen just out of their parents homes.  While a few understood moderation, many did not.

Then it clicked!  I discovered that I could pair my love for people watching with these painfully awkward situations.  I started detaching myself from the situation and observing my fellow human beings as if I was walking through a zoo.  Over here, in this enclosure, we have the CGO who gets testy when drunk.  Right next to it, we will find the two who get amative after just a couple drinks.  And over in this direction, you will find the CGOs that feel they are they are God's gift to women after tying a couple brews under their belts.  I think you get the picture.  All the while, I would sit there, laugh, talk, and hold my single Guinness.

I also found that this technique worked great when surviving "Spouses Only" events.  While I loved spending time with the other spouses in my engineer's squadron, I found the base wide spouses' club to be quite tiring.  Due to the obvious mask that all the women donned, I had this distinct feeling that nothing was as it appeared.  A few of the older spouses were genuinely being themselves.  However, among the Lt and Captains' wives?  Goodness, the games were on.  I went to two Spouses Club events at the behest of some of older spouses who I liked and respected.  But after looking at the cost, both financially and personally, I never went back.  The last thing I wanted to do was spend money to be something that I wasn't. Watching some of the Captains' spouses (a few who lived near me) fawn and laugh over the older wives just made my stomach turn.  Having experienced their cattiness in my everyday life, the facade sickened me.  After a few conversations with my engineer, I knew that it was not something I wanted to do again.  To this day, I am more than a bit gun shy when it comes to those clubs.  I have to have my "wing-man" when entering that battle zone.  

One type of funk-tion that I honestly enjoy are dinner parties.  This gathering of people is typically a balanced mix of the sexes.  There are the handful of singles, but mostly couples. I have met some of my dearest friends at dinner parties.  Conversation and good food are the focal point of these gatherings.  While the active duty maintain conduct befitting the rank structure, spouses enjoy the low key mingling and social interaction that they miss elsewhere.      I have learned so much over the years from the many dinner parties that I have had the blessing of attending.  After gauging the atmosphere, I can typically relax and enjoy myself. Of course, there have been the occasional exceptions.  

There was one dinner party, early on, that I will never forget.  One commander (not my engineer's), had the propensity of hitting on younger female officers, despite his wedding band.  This got even more noticeable as the evening wore on and the drinks flowed.  At first, I really didn't know what to think.  I was even more confused when his beautiful, gracious wife entered the scene.  I found him to be quite repulsive and felt even more so after encountering him at various funk-tions over the following years.  However, this night stands out because of a woman I respect highly for her ability to make this military life work...and make it look effortless.  In the midst of a crowd of adults humoring this idiot, she spoke up.  She didn't do it heatedly, but intelligently.  Her tact, grace, and honesty were an inspiration to me.  Frankly, I was mesmerized at her ability to say what she really thought in a fashion that left no room for argument. In her, I saw a woman whose identity was her own.  The memory of her strength and honestly would be an encouragement to me to be myself.

As a young spouse, there were a few very important lessons that I learned by attending funk-tions.  I discovered that some of the stereotypes did, indeed, ring true.  Most of the time, the fulfillment of "prophecy" was done by some poor, misguided or immature spouse who could not think on her own.  Sometimes it was a matter of lack of etiquette training, while others were just an inability to go with the flow.  With these, "Smile & Nod" became my only weapon. I would watch as she would run her mouth off with generalizations about the enlisted and take note not to be seen in public with her.  Stupidity has a way of rubbing off on people...and I just wasn't up for getting dirty.  I saw the other side of the coin when a young enlisted spouse would make "statement of fact" comments concerning what officer spouses are like.  Because I did not want her to lose face, I would quietly keep my own identity to myself.

Yes, funk-tions are a part of our lives in the military.  However, they are what you make of them.  There are countless times when I go because I don't want to send my engineer into the lion's den on his own.  But I pick and choose now.  Just because in invite comes down the hatch, it doesn't mean I have to attend.  While I have met several wonderful women through Spouses' groups, I also know that they can be a bit of a liability.  While the prospect of some funk-tions have a way of putting me in a funk, I have learned how to play the game.  As any spouse who has been around the block a few times will tell you, it is a game...and if you aren't up for playing...don't go.  You aren't required to attend.  It is purely up to you.  But note...sometimes the ape house can be quite amusing.