The “Other Woman” in My Engineer’s Life

After settling in at the hotel, I showered and freshened up.  The excitement of seeing him again, after months of sporadic phone calls, absolutely radiated off of me.  Like a lion in a cage, I paced.  Because he couldn’t tell me when he would be able to see me, I had no idea of when he would call or show up.  At first, the uncertainty was exciting.  But after 2 hours it became tiring.  Then the phone rang!

Thinking that he was calling to say he was heading over, I lunged to pick up the phone.  It was wonderful to hear his voice, knowing that he was physically in the same city.  But my heart dropped when he told me that there was a dinner he had to go to and that he would see me afterwards.  Even though he told me that he didn’t want to go and would rather be with me, the disappointment was so strong that, upon hanging up the phone, I allowed myself a few tears.  That was when I met her for the first time.

The Other Woman.

You see, there was no longer the two of us in our marriage.  It wouldn’t be until years later that I finally identified the persona that the USAF had in our lives.  There are even times when I wonder if I am the “Other Woman” and the USAF is the spouse.  Just as, that very first night, my engineer was having dinner with Her, there would be COUNTLESS occasions in the future when She would, on a whim, “recommend” that he spend his free time with her instead of his family.

Again, I look back on my “young military spouse” self.  I wish that I could wrap my arms around her and tell her that this was just part of the job and recommend that we go out ourselves.  I would tell her that it is ok to be disappointed but that she needed to get used to it, square her shoulders, and find something that she enjoys doing.  After drying her tears, I would smile into her eyes, and tell her that every military spouse must work towards learning to function in a society where Duty comes first.  Love will always be there, but you have to fight for it. 

At first glance, it appears that Duty to Country and Love are opposed to each other.  In American society’s definition of Love, they are.  However, in Military society, they are tightly connected.  A good leader will know that service members cannot perform to their utmost abilities without the support of LOVE at home.  Duty can only take them so far.  An ill-informed leader will ignore the delicate balance needed between Duty and Love.  With that said, a weak or ill informed spouse will do the same.  In a perfect world, both the leader and the spouse will embrace and work toward that sweet spot which is perfect balance.  Alas, that is a dream and we live in a delightfully imperfect world that allows for us all to stumble now and then.  I know that I have on more than a few occasions.

As a young military spouse, I had no idea of the amount of time that the USAF would demand of my engineer.  With his civilian design engineering job, he had his weekends free and his evenings after work were his.  The military was completely different.  Not only was he to be called in after work and on weekends, there were to be countless “highly recommended fun” events to fill his free time as well.  During the first few years of our marriage, this did NOT sit well with the spouse who enjoyed her freedom.  It would have been nice to have a “heads up” about this.  In the beginning, instead of embracing the events as part of the job, I fought it, thinking that the USAF was infringing on our free time as a couple.  I wish, with all my heart, that someone had told that young spouse about the Other Woman.  It would have made those early years so much easier.

So, there, in that hotel room, I waited.  When, late that night, I finally got the call saying that he was there at the hotel, I felt, for the first time, the excitement of seeing him again that I would feel on far too many occasions in the years that followed.  The Other Woman would call my engineer away, but he would always come back to me.